Don't Mess This Up
by Obvious Ghost
Summary: Deep in the sewers beneath Castelia City, an unsuspecting protagonist stumbles upon a GOLDEN opportunity. In the words of the great Pokemon Master Eminem, "Would you capture it? Or just let it slip? Yo."


This happened. So I wrote it.

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"DJ Slim paused, scanning the corridors of the ill sewer labyrinth while contemplating his next move."

I slapped my forehead. "Dude, stop it."

Electric lights crackled and blinked, and the semi-lit walls and floors of the Castelia Sewers stretched before us. Cracks in the stone eventually gave way to three different passageways, all leading farther than we could see. I adjusted my pack and tried to get a better glimpse of the tunnels.

Ignoring me, my rival placed his hands on his hips. "Though his companion had already given in to doubt and fear like a grade-A chump, the DJ knew victory would soon be his."

I instantly regretted moving my hand away from my nose, as the smells of the Castelia Sewers made themselves known. Wincing, I pulled the collar of my shirt over the lower half of my face. "Enough with the narrating, Slim."

He spun around, the familiar smirk already in place. "There will never be enough narrating. 'Sides, what else are we gonna do? We've been wandering this spithole for ages, and Team Plasma is either not here, or they've reached Ninja Turtle-levels of mastery in the ancient art of hiding in sewers."

"You shouldn't swear."

"Hm? I didn't. Anyway, I'm pretty sure we're lost." Turning again, he faced the tunnel intersection before us. When he moved, his giant shock of spiked black hair bobbed up and down like a lost Drillbur. I wouldn't point this out, except... his hair is really weird. Just- it's insane. I don't know what he's thinking every morning.

I scowled. "And whose fault is that?"

"Don't blame me, man." He shrugged. "Remember, I made it _very_ clear in the narrating that DJ Slim always takes time to consider where he is, and where he's trying to get. Trying to get to. Trying to... be? No, I think the first one was right."

He swung his arm out dramatically to point at me, and the action made his hair shuffle again. Now it reminded me of a Tangela. "You were the one who charged in here with reckless abandon, yelling something about 'I'll never forgive Team Plasma' and not even stopping to think _this is a sewer system in a major city, of course it's going to be huge and confusing and impossible to not get lost."_

"That's not-"

"DJ Slim sneered after delivering the crushing beatdown, knowing any sort of argument from his friend was impossible in the face of such logic."

A drop of... liquid of some kind... landed on my forehead. For a second, I couldn't say anything.

Then I did.

"First of all, everything you just said was you, that was _really obviously_ you, and second, stop narrating, and third, _most importantly_ third, STOP CALLING YOURSELF DJ SLIM," I said in one continuous stream of annoyance.

"What? That's my name. Everybody knows this."

"No one calls you that!"

He grinned. "Well, I do, obviously. And I'm pretty sure I get dibs, so... In your face."

Groaning, I leaned back against one of the stone walls. Was this really my fate? Wandering a maze-like sewer for eternity, locked into every stupid argument either one of us can imagine? Seriously? _That's _where I was in life?

"Also, you're one to talk."

My head snapped back up, and I glared at my rival. "What's wrong with _my_ name?"

"Seriously? 'Hubbner'. That's... that's not a name. That's not anything. Nobody's named 'Hubbner'."

"Well, I am, so... _in your face_," I smiled. It was clever, because he said that earlier.

Slim shook his head, almost with pity. "You realize you just called yourself 'nobody', right?"

"...Shut up." Vibrant colors in the corner of my eye drew my attention, and I glanced over to see Slim's Pignite waddling over the stone floor. My Azumarill followed close behind him, grinning when she saw me. They were supposed to be scouting ahead for any signs of Team Plasma, but that mission was kind of proving to be a waste of time, so they were basically just exploring.

Slim wasn't finished. "So do you admit these crippling self-esteem issues to everyone you meet, or am I the lucky confidante?"

"Shut _up_." I rubbed the sides of my head, hoping that a headache wasn't coming on. "You are just so annoying. If a Dodrio was trying to argue with a Hydreigon, they would still not be as annoying as you."

"DJ Slim took the insult in stride, knowing that the lowly Hubbner was just jealous of his positive attitude and healthy outlook on life."

A growl sounded from the corridors.

"Dude, quiet! For real!" I held up my hand, trying to see through the darkness. "Something's coming- probably more wild Pokemon!"

Slim rolled his eyes, gesturing for the Pignite to return to his side. I did the same, calling out, "Hoppiness! Get ready to fight!"

"I'll never understood why you named her that."

"Duh. It sounds like 'happiness', and she hops around a lot." I frowned. "Or- she used to, when she was an Azurill, and also that doesn't matter at all because we're about to have a battle. Focus."

He yawned. "Yeah, sure. Wonder what terrifying creatures we'll find this time? Wait, I got it- a Zubat." Slim held out his arms, trying to make a sarcastic-spooky face. "Or maybe... a Grimer. _Ooooooh_."

"_Shut up here they come!_" I hissed.

Two Rattatas darted out of the shadows.

My brain didn't completely put it together until Slim raised his eyebrows. "Whoa."

One of the Pokemon was... golden. Shimmering, even though barely any light existed to reflect off its fur. The Rattata snarled, pacing and hissing, while our two Pokemon simply waited for instructions.

But I couldn't.

This was a Shiny Rattata.

Shiny.

I found a Shiny.

I FOUND A SHINY.

Cue the excited shrieking, clapping my hands to my skull in disbelief, and jumping around the sewers for a few minutes.

Slim cocked his head to one side. "Are you seriously that excited about this?"

"You _aren't?_" Stunned, I gave him my best you-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about look.

"Still a Rattata, dude. And I don't really want to catch anything from the sewers." He grinned again. "Oh, hey, this is literally a sewer rat. That's like, an insult, right? I think I've heard that somewhere."

"What are you talking about, man?" I was having a hard time reconciling his bored expression with the tiny glowing monster in front of me. "Do you have any idea how rare this is?"

"Um, really rare? A lot rare?"

He was still joking. "Look, you don't get it, Slim," I said urgently. "I've loved Pokemon for as long as I can remember, and I have never found a Shiny. Never. Not once. Oh, people talk about it, but the chances are so low that most people never actually find one. _This might never happen again."_

"Huh." He jammed his hands in his pockets, lazily looking over to his Pignite. "Yeah, whatever, let's catch your discount Pikachu and get outta here."

A little put out that my dramatic speech didn't seem to affect him, I shook it off and started thinking strategy. "Well, I can't try to catch it yet," I mused. "Something about the Pokeball mechanism goes weird when there's more than one wild Pokemon right next to it. But I don't want to make it faint, either... Hoppy, use Charm."

My Azumarill dutifully gave the golden Rattata the most pitiful, cutesy expression she could muster, and I could tell from the way the Shiny's whiskers drooped that it was working. "Alright," I said. "Now, let's plan out-"

"Flame Charge."

The Pignite raced past me, and for a single, heart-stopping moment, I thought Slim had commanded his Pokemon to attack the Shiny. But it was nearly as jarring to see the normal Rattata fly backwards in a burst of explosive fire. "Dude!" I screeched in surprise. "Wasn't that a little harsh?"

"What?" He chuckled. "You couldn't throw a ball until that one was out of the way, right?" The purple Rattata quickly vanished, like all fainted Pokemon do. One of the many mysteries of our world, I guess.

I gulped. "Uh... right. Okay." Reaching into my pack, I snagged a Great Ball and held it in front of me. "Here we go," I said, painfully aware of the nervous tremor in my voice.

"DJ Slim waited, bored out of his mind-"

"Alright already." With a deep breath, I hurled the Great Ball towards the Shiny Rattata.

A flash of light.

A bouncing Ball.

A twitching, spastic roll.

"_Oh no what a shame_," Slim blurted out as the Rattata exploded back into the world. Fear rose up again, and I wondered if the Pokemon would try to run, but it simply watched me, glaring with distrust. I tried to steady my shaking hands and reached for another Ball.

"...Hold on."

I glanced over to Slim, who was watching the battle with a new light in his eyes. "So... you really want to catch this guy, right?"

A gnawing sense of panic was worming its way into my mind. "Yeah," I said quietly. "Yeah, I do."

Slim crossed his arms, grinning. "You know, it's technically my turn now."

The Pignite snorted, tendrils of fire leaping from its nostrils.

"...Slim."

He held up his hands. "Just sayin'. You threw a Ball, so I get to choose something before you try again. That's how it works."

"_Slim_."

Echoes sounded in the halls as he took a step forward. "Man, I just love bein' a Pokemon Trainer. You know what I mean? Battles, training... _winning_..."

I glanced quickly from the Rattata to my rival, and back again. "Don't do this, man."

An innocent smile. "Do what, Hubbner? Afraid I don't know what you mean."

I started babbling, barely conscious of what I was saying. "There's no reason, Slim, no _reason_ to do it, you gotta understand, this is my only chance, please, please don't do it, don't-"

"Heh." He reached down, stroking his Pignite's orange fur. "You're so soft, bud. So warm and cuddly."

It was like everything he said just made me more terrified. "Listen, I'll do anything. I'll train your Pokemon, I'll pay for your battle items and stuff, I'll tell every girl I meet how great a person you are. I will do _anything_."

"Ah, that's good." He nodded sagely. "Bargaining. Gotta move through those stages of grief, man. You're well on your way."

"SLIM-"

"Sorry, bro."

...

I was dimly aware of my Pokedex beeping to life and helpfully chirping:

_"Arm Thrust. Fighting-Type. The user attacks the foe with an open palm."_

Sad music. Rain. Crying children. Dead flowers.

But one thought surpassed all these.

_Slim, I hate you so much._

He just stood there, with a dopey grin on his face. As if he had no idea of the pain, the trauma, the awful misery and despair he'd caused WAIT!

IT SURVIVED!

...Elation. I dropped to my knees, feeling overcome with relief and joy. I couldn't believe it- somehow, someway, the golden Rattata had survived Pignite's strongest Fighting-type move. It was nothing short of a miracle.

I reached for another Great Ball, dreams of the future already filling my mind.

A Raticate, shining like the sun itself, by my side as I traveled the land. Battling evildoers, meeting new friends, winning Gym Badges, finding new Pokemon, fighting in tournaments, seeing new places-

_"This attack hits two to five times in succession."_

Huh?

...

I couldn't look away. Pignite paused, as if to savor the moment, before reaching out and striking the Rattata again.

...

_"Azumarill has gained 43 experience points."_

...

"DJ Slim cheered, congratulating his Pokemon on a successful battle. Because DJ Slim always wins."

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Again: This happened.


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